MoneyWiseWomen

Money and the Blame Game

Lots of people play the blame game with money—you blame the person who “owed” you because you worked so hard, or tolerated something else that you thought would bring a greater payoff—but whenever you play the blame game, you miss the opportunity to gain more power, control and peace over your money. And when you don’t recognize the dynamic you’re engaging in, you’re doomed to repeat it.

 

Blaming someone else (or blaming yourself) about any frustrations over money has to do with the basic thought that your survival is being compromised. The perception is that this other person has the power to make or break your financial life, depending on what they do. It’s very difficult to like, much less love, someone on whom you believe that your survival depends. So when you are engaged in the blame game, you may forget that you are every bit as responsible for the relationship dynamic as the other person.

 

Shame and Money Secrets

Money secrets are some of the most shame-filled secrets we keep. We’ve all heard that “the truth will set you free,” however, I believe that there are two kinds of money secrets we keep: the ones we keep because it’s inconvenient to tell the truth and the ones we keep because we don’t want to hurt ourselves.

Sometimes we keep a money secret because we don’t want to deal with the questions and issues that will be raised if we reveal our secret. Or we think it’s none of their business what goes on in our personal financial situation. I happen to think it’s completely okay to keep quiet about some things. For example, my parents know quite a bit about my financial situation, but they don’t know everything. I imagine they think they know more than they actually do, and I am okay with that. They know that some times have been rough, but maybe not how rough . . . and they know when times have been good, but maybe not every single stupid money decision I have ever made.

Notice too I am making a distinction between active lying andnon-disclosure; I don’t believe I actively lie about anything, but I certainly don’t feel like everyone needs the complete “E True Hollywood Story” train wreck version whenever something difficult occurs.

With your loved ones and life partners: I think you need to be absolutely transparent with your money. People think that money is the #1 reason why marriages break up, but I think that statistic is sort of like saying that the reason a marriage broke up was because of cheating: cheating may have caused the final break, but there were a million missed intimacies, communications and decisions made that led up to the cheating. Same for money; money in and of itself is never the reason a marriage ends, it’s everything around it. Money is a symptom. Transparency ensures that at least communication about money will not be the marriage’s downfall.

Is it time to earn more?

Are you earning what you’re really worth? Do you make enough money to live the life that you desire? Or are you “underearning”—consistently making less money then you feel you should or want to be making?

Let’s look at some typical examples of underearning. Many people don’t earn their worth because they do not negotiate their initial salary (men negotiate their salary four times as often as women, by the way! Women more often just take what they are offered….) Some people underearn because they go too many years without asking for a raise. If they are self-employed, they often wait too long to raise their fees. I’ve also noticed that many people who are self-employed set their initial fees too low to begin with.

But there are numerous other ways to underearn. Some underearn by giving their time away in many different guises. Judy, an executive coach, found that she was volunteering excessively for her children’s activities and her church. She was so burned out with her numerous commitments that she didn’t have the time or energy to put into marketing her business. Please don’t misunderstand me. Volunteering is wonderful. But we must ask ourselves, is volunteering in any way hurting our ability to take care of ourselves financially?

Even those who work for a company must “market” themselves in order to earn what they’re worth. You must make sure you are noticed and appreciated for the work you do, so you will be given serious consideration around raise and promotion time. Allowing yourself to be invisible in the workplace may be comfortable, but it is a surefire way to underearn. Mary, an account executive, worked very hard but was often resentful when her less talented co-workers rose about her. She didn’t feel she could “toot her own horn”, but quiet people can be perceived as indecisive, or worst, just not noticed, as Mary discovered time and time again.

Others underearn by chronically underbilling for their services. Kristine, an architect, wanted her clients to feel they were getting a “good deal”. So she consistently billed them for fewer hours then she put in on a job. Sometimes she justified this by telling herself that she should have been able to do more in less time.

The ways that we can underearn are endless. But perhaps the “best” way to underearn is to not know how much you actually need to earn to live your life in the way that you desire. Many people are in a money fog and are unclear about exactly what they spend, and hence what they need to earn. Coming out of the money fog often leads people to re-evaluate their relationship to work and look deeply at what they are earning. (Recently, Karen McCall, the founder of the Financial Recovery Institute, did a four part series in her blog on the subject of “Is your work working for you”? She shares three stories of people who healed their relationship to work and earning money.)

The bottom line is that those who struggle with “underearning” often don’t get paid as much as might be expected, given their education, talents and experience. Underearning is about a pattern. We all go through periods of not making good money, through job setbacks, life circumstances, or the economy. But underearning is about a chronic—often lifelong—behavior. It occurs when you repeatedly undersell yourself.

Keep in mind that underearning is NOT about underachieving. Underearners can achieve great things and be highly respected by their colleagues, and still not be adequately compensated for their work. Another misconception is that underearners simply don’t work enough; again, the opposite is more likely to be true. Underearners are typically intelligent, hardworking people. In fact, many may be putting in long hours at the office, trying to get ahead. Yet, despite their dedication, the pay they receive is not commensurate with their time and effort.

I would encourage you to look back on through your work life and see if you can pinpoint different times you underearned. The beginning of dealing with the pattern of earning less than you need is recognizing it. When you become aware of times throughout your life you’ve undersold yourself, you begin to break denial around the part you play in making less money then you could. The next step is getting clear about how much you need to earn to life the life you deserve and desire.

 

5 Symptoms of Financial “dis-ease” -- Do you identify?

A few weeks ago I wrote a review of Karen McCall’s new book, Financial Recovery—developing a healthy relationship with money. (Karen is the founder of the Financial Recovery Institute.) I want to share with you five of her “symptoms” of Financial Dis-ease from chapter one of her book, with her permission.

But why the word “Dis-ease”? Karen has come to regard the emotional stress, compromised relationships, and destructive patterns that many people have with money as financial dis-ease. Notice her hyphen. Karen writes that if you are experiencing financial stress and anxiety, you are not at ease. And I agree! Financial dis-ease can erode relationships, limit creativity, tarnish integrity and actually harm your health.

The first step to recovering from this condition is naming it. So here are Karen McCall’s five symptoms of financial “dis-ease” from her book, Financial Recovery. These are excerpted with her permission:

1. Denial

Years ago, I was in complete denial, throwing my bills in a deep, dark wooden bowl, pretending the problem was not growing. Some people have no idea how much money they have, how much they need, or how much they owe. They live in a state of continual vagueness. They don’t know where they are financially and have no idea where they’re heading. They tell themselves that something will come along to make things better.

2. Secrecy and Shame

Many times when we’re struggling with money, we don’t want others to know about it. Perhaps we’re afraid people will judge us for not being able to manage things. Or maybe we don’t want to look as though we’re failing. Sometimes we’re spending in ways that we know are destructive, and we don’t want to admit this to others or ourselves. All of this leads to a vicious cycle of secrecy and shame, with one perpetuating the other. The worst part of living this way is that by trying to hide our problems, we often isolate ourselves from people and resources that could actually be of help. (The more isolated we become, the worse things can get.)

3. Obsession

Many people struggling with money find themselves obsessed with trying to figure out the problem. They run numbers constantly in their heads; they calculate money on the backs of envelopes, trying to figure a way to manage what has become unmanageable. Others spend hours scheming about the things they want to purchase. They’re unable to calm their thoughts, and it disturbs their sleep. No matter what they’re doing, their minds are elsewhere, thinking about money: how they’re going to get it, how they’ll spend it, or how they need to juggle it. Worries about money take up the emotional and mental space that was once devoted to enjoying life and being with loved ones.

4. Lack of Control

When someone has lost control over money behaviors, she may start every day with the best intentions. She promises herself that her spending will change. She goes to Macy’s or Target vowing she’ll buy just one blouse but leaves with four. She intends to pay cash for everything but ends up using her Capital One credit card again and again. Earnest intentions to save money or pay bills on time disappear each month like so much dust in a strong wind. Each day, she makes the promise again: “Today will be different.” But every day ends up just like the one before.

5. Inability to Change Behavior despite Negative Consequences Faced with the consequences of our money behaviors, we tell ourselves, “Never again.” We never want to have to tell our loved ones that we’re in a financial jam—again. We can’t stand the stress, the worry, the sweat-producing anxiety. We want no more of the shame that results when we have neglected a financial responsibility or broken another promise or told another half-truth. But somehow our old ways of spending, or avoiding, or deceiving, resume despite all the pain we want to avoid. Though we tell ourselves it will be different this time, we soon find ourselves on a worn path—the same path we promised never to walk again.

I share Karen McCall’s five “symptoms” not to depress you but to help give voice to some of the pain you may be experiencing. If you feel these symptoms, know you are not alone. Many are suffering. View these symptoms as signs that something is not working. Because once you identify what is not working, you can decide to make a change. And as Karen McCall writes, the most wonderful news of all is that the healthier your relationship with money becomes, the less likely it is that money will distract you from the things that you value most.

Are Women Equipped with the Financial Planning Skills The Need?

On average, one in three women wants to strengthen their financial planning skills – but many are simply not sure where to begin. A study commissioned by  Allianz Life Insurance Company of North America examines two key questions: what women want to learn about finances and how they want to learn it. The study found a dichotomy among participants:  while the Internet is the most consulted resource, it is the least trusted. Human contact remains “the most meaningful and effective” source of information. Fifty percent of the women in the study said they prefer “a person telling me” versus “reading about” something.

A Womans Lifetime Lender - Protecting Women and Their Families

Women are primary targets of subprime lenders and unscrupulous lending practices according to a recent Consumer Federation of America report.  Minority women were reported as the most prone to victimization. 

The statistics are alarming and the destruction that these unethical practices cause is already being seen in our communities. Awareness and education are necessary in order to preserve the financial well being of single women and their families.