By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
We all wear different types of masks for different types of occasions – and I'm not just talking about what we put on for Trick-or-Treat! We're worried about peoples' perception of us in various situations and circumstances and so we alter our behavior – whether slightly or drastically – depending on who we're with, how self-conscious we are, the way we want people to perceive us, and the list goes on and on. It can be as simple as changing our tone of voice or manner of dress depending on who were with – or as complicated as telling a lie for whatever reason. For the purpose of this post I'm going to focus on some of the major lies we tell our partners, and what we can do about it. In relationships, “masks” tend to manifest themselves in two major ways: Finances and Fidelity.
1. Finances. I delve into this topic in more detail in my book,
Financial Infidelity and I believe balancing the issue of money in a
relationship or marriage is crucial as it's one of the top reasons
people split up. It starts when people engage in what I can financial
infidelity – going behind the back of their significant other when it
comes to money, purchases, bank accounts, salary, etc.
This behavior can manifest itself in several ways, including:
*when one partner does not tell the other about work-related bonuses, but instead keeps the money for themselves
*overwriting checks at drugstores or overcharging groceries and pocketing the cash
*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”
When you know things like this are going on in your relationship, it's tempting to retaliate with similar behaviors of your own. In addition to this “money mistress” you've now created, you're also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” - or a “Pissed off Purchase!” You're fueled by anger towards the other person's infidelities – whether they’re sexual or financial – and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.
There are many underlying issues here, but one key solution is to learn to fight fair. Don't let money be your weapon. After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created “money mistresses” or “pissed off purchases” in the past.
2. Fidelity. Many sexual infidelities are the result of what I call bio-chemical craving for connection - the theory that people experiencing stress, separation or loss often are inclined toward thrill-seeking behavior and this frequently manifests itself in the form of an affair. It's a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.
Using this as a springboard to honest discussion is crucial if you want to save a relationship. Of course, it's preferable to get to this discussion BEFORE infidelity is acted out, but if things come to light after an affair, I don't believe it has to be too late. In my book, Make up, Don't Breakup, I discuss how important it is to NOT let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It's hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it's important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns.
Taking off masks in a relationship can be difficult and can expose our deepest vulnerabilities – but is crucial when seeking to make a relationship work!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (http://doctorbonnie.com) is internationally
acclaimed and one of America's best-known relationship experts; named
by New York Magazine as one of the city's top therapists. You can also
sign up for her Newsletter.
Dr. Bonnie has
appeared on a three part series on The Today show, CBS Saturday Early
Show, Oprah!, and CNN. Her work has also been featured in Good
Housekeeping, The New York Times, New York Daily News, USA Today,
Cosmopolitan, Redbook, People and many others.
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