By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
My immediate, short answer to this question is “no.” But of course it's more complicated than that!
I'm not suggesting you ask for a breakdown of the other person's assets or that you inquire as to how much they make. And I'm not setting forth the idea that you lead your first date with questions about finances, bills, debt, etc.
Finances and budgets can be touchy subjects, so it may seem completely counter-intuitive to discuss money-related issues early on in a relationship, but this is exactly when it needs to happen. You need somewhat of a foundation to a relationship before you start discussing some of these tougher subjects.
So, back to the “when” question. There's no point in delineating the finer points of finances if there's no future to the relationship. It usually takes some time to figure this out, so I can't answer the question of exactly when for you. I can say that there comes a point when you're conformable enough with each other to talk about more difficult subjects – but that doesn't mean facing your finances (and another person's finances!) will be a walk in the park! However, it's important to figure out basics in the beginning. Ask questions about money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money. In some cases, this can make these topics less confrontational – but on the flip side, for those who haven't already examined these subjects, they can be quite touchy.
The good news is, in some ways, this financial discussion has gotten a bit easier as we as a society have become somewhat more comfortable talking about money overall. More people talk about how much their rent or mortgage payments are. More people discuss bonuses at work, the great travel deals they got, or how much they paid to repair their car. It's not taboo anymore and this is good news for introducing these topics into a relationship. You might be able to learn quite a bit about your significant other's financial situation just through the routine of normal conversation. Certain topics aren't considered prying, and don't feel like you're being nosy – finding out some basic details about your potential partner's financial situation should be as important as finding out if you're emotionally compatible (I discuss both these types of compatibility in my book, Financial Infidelity).
As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (http://doctorbonnie.com) is internationally acclaimed and one of America's best-known relationship experts; named by New York Magazine as one of the city's top therapists. Join her for a Sex and Money teleconference, June 30th at 4 pm with fellow relationship expert and author, Tammy Nelson: http://bit.ly/teleclass
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Dr. Bonnie has appeared on the The Today show, CBS Saturday Early Show, Oprah!, A Current Affair, The View, Sally, Ricki Lake, Montel, Maury Povich, and Extra. Her work has also been featured in Good Housekeeping, The New York Times, New York Daily News, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal and many others.
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