By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Throughout my practice, I've dealt with people who – for various reasons – keep issues of money and finances secret from their partner. This can manifest itself in different ways -from spending behind the other person's back to no disclosing the fact that you're keeping money for yourself, to having “secret” bank accounts or credit cards. Now that times are more economically difficult for many, it's more likely that these types of behaviors could crop up – and more important than ever to stop them from doing so!
1.Honesty = Intimacy. If you're feeling tempted to go behind your partner's back, keep this correlation in mind. Full disclosure about money (or on many subjects!) brings safety, safety brings trust which brings connection and connection brings intimacy, which brings passion. Fostering a spirit of full disclosure in your relationship can go a long way toward the overall health of that relationship.
2.Talk it out. Of course, if you're having urges to splurge on something without telling your partner or are tempted to not talk money matters during this difficult time you don't want to push those feelings under the rug. This can often speak to an underlying fear in a relationship: fear of trust, fear of intimacy, etc. If this fear is present you and your partner need to work on cultivating a safe relationship. Don't over-react if your partner did something unwise. Often the reason they hesitate to disclosure this information is because they fear the reaction.
3.Use the Money Love Language. I discuss this language in my book, and I've discussed it before on this site. Communicating in a way that is empathetic, that provides clarity and validation in spite of short comings will encourage this crucial environment of full disclosure and trust.
4.Avoid a power struggle. If one person is making purchases or financial decisions behind the other's back, that person may be tempted to do the same. Don't allow this to happen – it's why communication about finances is so important! Come up with ways to deal with financial discrepancies and insecurities. Is there even a little bit of money you can put toward discretionary spending so each person has something they can spend? Can you do your finances together on a regular basis so both people understand the financial issues you face?
And remember – your relationship doesn't have to be one of the things that is a financial strain! Instead of going out, stay in and re-connect with your significant other!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her most recent book, Financial Infidelity, is available on Amazon.
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