An unfortunate story in Germany illustrates the importance of talking money with your partner. It may be an extreme example, but it can serve to forewarn others none-the-less.
The richest woman in Germany – BMW heiress Susanne Klatten – was the victim of extortion when the man she was having an affair with tried to blackmail her. The 46-year-old married mother-of-three fell for Helg Sgarbi, subsequently meeting him in inexpensive hotels in BMW's home city of Munich.
Sgarbi first used his liaison to extract money from his super-rich conquest, telling her that gangsters were after him and he needed €7.5 million to pay them off.
The story worked and Klatten gave him the money last fall. The relationship soon ended, but Sgarbi continued to try and get more money from her.
Sgarbi apparently had an accomplice who had been filming the couple's liasons from an adjoining room. According to an Italian police report, Sgarbi phoned Klatten in November demanding €14 million or he would release compromising video footage.
Instead of going herself, Klatten sent the police.
This is an extreme example of how affairs and financial infidelity are often intertwined, and an example in which one person was committing both financial and sexual infedlity.
One couple I worked with had a similar problem that led to financial deception. The woman was aware of her husband's affair, and she would see the purchases he made for his mistress come through their bank account. She would then add up the cost of these purchases, and buy something for herself that cost that amount. She did this both as a way to retaliate, and as a way to try to deal with the pain and stress.
Obviously, the person having the affair has issues they need to deal with as well, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner's back, you're also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” - or a “Pissed off Purchase!”
Letting anger – or in the case of Klatten, fear – control your purchases isn't a healthy way to deal with money or your emotions.
Here are a few ideas I put forth in my book, Financial Infidelity, for dealing with subjects that are difficult to talk about:
*Use “I” sentences – don't blame or criticize
*Echo what you hear and validate your partner's feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
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