By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
While I think that just about any marriage or relationship can be saved, and shouldn't end in divorce – as I talk about in my book, Make up, Don't Break Up – break ups are sometimes an inevitable part of life, and they can change the way a person and/or a couple look at money.
A huge problem when dealing with money and divorce is that many couples haven't really discussed finances, budgets and money UNTIL they are facing divorce (interestingly, this may also be what leads to divorce in the first place, as a relationship that is not open about money usually isn't healthy).
The issue when breaking up is that each person's relationship to shared finances change. When you're married, there is typically some sort of knowledge in the back of your mind that you share what you have, and you aren't too worried about who contributes what.
This isn't the case when going through a divorce. Perspective shifts so people start thinking in terms of what THEY contributed and what they deserve. Supriya Singh, professor of accounting and law, gives a few examples:
"For a woman, if she gave up work and career to look after children, then how much was looking after children worth? You don't want to face the notion that maybe you are financially dependent. It goes against the way you want to picture marriage," she says.
Money and power are tricky subjects – especially when taken in the context of an impending separation. I offer a few tips for dealing with these subjects in my book, Financial Infidelity, and while I would encourage couples to deal with this issues before they split, they can be applied in both circumstances.
*Appreciate sacrifices
*Focus on the positives
*Take turns paying the bills so it doesn't feel like one person has the “financial upperhand.”
*Prioritize
*Negotiate
*Discuss any resentment immediately
*Discuss money
These may sound idealistic in the face of separation or divorce, but looking objectively at the money situation, appreciating the sacrifices that each person made, keeping priorities in mind, and having an open mind when discussing finances – among other things – can make the process less drawn out and hopefully more amicable.
Men and women, in general, have different approaches to acquiring power and money, so – even in divorce proceedings – keep that in mind and concentrate on not letting your finances or your salary become a weapon against the other person. This helps with closure, and moving on past the hurt and the end of a relationship.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her most recent book, Financial Infidelity, is available on Amazon.
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