By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
It seems as if each time we turn on the TV (or read the paper, surf the internet, etc.) the news is worse. Markets are failing, bailouts are being given, banks are being bought and sold, homes are getting foreclosed upon. If things weren't difficult for u before, chances are by now you might be feeling the belt tighten a bit. The difficulty on Wall Street and in Washington is trickling right down to the homes of many middle class and other Americans.
I'm calling it financial 9/11.
Money is one of the things people fight about the most, in regular, “normal” economy. But now, with high gas prices, rising food costs, possible job loss, less discretionary income and much more, fights about finances are likely to increase. And – while it's naive to think that a financial crisis won't take a toll on a a relationship – you don't have to let it control your life!
While talking about money is a must in every relationship, even relatively new ones, it's IMPERATIVE in this economic climate to address finances with your significant other. This is especially true if the responsibility for budgeting, investing and financial decisions typically fall on one person. Now, more than ever, both people need to know what's going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like they can voice their concerns. Each person needs to be able to see where money is being spent, where you need to cut back, and there may be some specific things that need to be addressed more in-depth.
If the burden is falling on one person to control the finances, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity – where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other's back as a way of mitigating the added stress they're feeling. They can also turn to other addictive behaviors including overeating, resort to taking sleeping pills to help them fall asleep, or even turn to a sexual affair. Couples need to remind themselves that they're in it together, and they need to focus on the importance of being honest and working as a team.
When facing potentially stressful and upsetting circumstances, take it one moment or one day at a time. As I mention in Financial Infidelity, money can be the number one relationship wrecker, so it's important to keep issues surrounding finances from taking over your relationship. Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do things with each other that don't involve money, and take your mind off of any money-related stress you may be feeling – watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!) and make sure it's a comedy as it's especially important to laugh right now! Listen to music together, meditate, cook dinner together, exercise together. You want to keep your relationship and your passion for each other strong through this period as there will be lots of other distractions that will be needing your attention.
Now is a good time to use “Smart Heart Dialogue” (or my “Money Love Language”), which I've mentioned in my book, Financial Infidelity. Smart Heart Dialogue his a way of thinking and talking about finances that helps you share your financial history with someone you're becoming intimate with. Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship – like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now! Use that transition to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person's view of money.
And this dialogue doesn't just have to be between couples. I believe it could've helped politicians come to a compromise concerning the crisis faster. It could a). have mitigated this crisis in the first place and b). help politicians come to an agreement in terms of what's to be done next. When talking in terms of Smart Heart Dialogue, I have some sample questions, one of them being:
“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”
The explanation I give seems especially fitting for the government's current situation:
*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her most recent book, Financial Infidelity, is available on Amazon.
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